We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
