grandma shit on top of the toilet
I could have mohawked her pubes.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
