sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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