so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
meet me or not, i'm out of control
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
