May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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