That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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