i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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