dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
