Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me đ
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I swear to God if you start calling your dick âmy pegasusâ weâre not friends anymore
So. Much. Porn.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
