can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
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