He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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