just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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