I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
