shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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