I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
