My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
