I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Randomize
