Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
