I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
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