worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
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