I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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