What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
