I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Randomize
