he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Randomize
