What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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