i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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