I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
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