I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
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