You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
