Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
