new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
