so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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