Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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