He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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