I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
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