I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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