the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
