i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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