i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
