But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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