If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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