The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
