Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
