mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
