all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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