I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Randomize
