I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize