she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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