so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
