just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
