why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Randomize
