Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I can text with my tongue
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Randomize
