If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
