hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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