Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Randomize
