I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
