I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
