I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
